Magicless
by transfemmefatale
Summary: (prev. titled 'Simon Says, No') Two years after the events of Carry On, Simon and Baz are living together in a flat still, but as Baz's life gets richer and more boundless, Simon's goes downhill and he's left feeling hopeless and alone, something he's keen on keeping Baz from knowing.
1. Chapter 1

The flat is quiet and empty except for the sputter and slosh of the dishwasher. I'm lying on the couch, drowsy from another nap. I've always hated naps, that confused feeling you get where everything feels lopsided, not to mention I always end up drenched in sweat. Lately though all that bothers me less knowing I get to have those quiet, safe moments of warm nothingness.

What can I say, I Simon Snow, have now come to prefer sleep to sentience. You would too if you'd gone from a life of magic and adventure to a life of powerlessness and apathy.

Baz doesn't know how bad it's gotten.

He knows I quit going to uni, but he doesn't know I'm jobless and spend my days here in the flat sleeping or tidying things up so I can feel like I'm being productive. All of this I do while Baz is out learning things, meeting new people, and living a normal life. As normal as one can for being a gay vampire magician, still though.

He left earlier than usual for uni today, off to see Margaret, his bff, for bagels and tea. He told me I should come along.

"It's too early for me Baz. I got not even a pocket of sleep last night."

"All you do is sleep, Snow." It was true.

"Not last night." I told him which was also true. Baz's eyes went blank. He was remembering it. I was remembering more. It was another nightmare, the Mage also known as my Father, was clutching me by the throat. _Worthless_ was what he whispered into my ear. I struggled against him, trying to spell him off me, **See ya wouldn't wanna be ya!** But his long slender hands just closed tighter and tighter around my neck, and that's when I woke up with Baz shaking me. I was glad he didn't spell me awake. Ever since I lost my magic he'd been trying to adapt to using less of his. It made me feel less crap, Baz in general makes me feel less crap. At least when he's around.

The life came back to his eyes and I could tell he remembered having to wake me up from the nightmare.

"Aw Simon, babe." He said and moved closer, kneeling down beside me. His cologne smelled good. I combed my fingers through his hair, it was shorter than it had been during our days at Watford, but it was still just as shaggy and soft as I remembered. It was weird to think that our time at Watford was already two years ago.

Baz took my hand and held it between both of his which were big, pale, and cold. He leaned down and blew hot air into them. His breath was different than a normal's breath. There was a fiery energy to it. The endorphins rushed to my head, that familiar euphoric tingle that always left me feeling warm, safe, and loved all at the same time. I looked into his soft grey eyes. Lately the grey was almost silver, the same was true this morning. How could I say no to him?

I stumble on my excuse. "I would go... it's just..."

"Of course, of course, I get it. It's not your fault you have the nightmares."

I frowned. Even if he did get it, how much longer was he willing to put up with it? Ever since leaving Watford and losing my magic I'd gradually become more and more distant. From Baz, from Penny, and from myself. I watched him give me a peck on the cheek, and then he was up on his feet before I could return the favor, raring to go see his Margaret.

"Well I hope work goes good today. Get some sleep for me. Okay Snow?"

"Okay."

The door to the flat closed and he was gone.

I took a deep breath and scanned the room, there was nothing to do but go back to sleep.

So I did.

* * *

When I wake up the flat is pitch dark and my mouth is dry and salty. Gross. I grab for my phone, but it's gone. Without hesitation I get up and start to dismantle the cushions. It has to be here. I, Simon Snow, surely should be able to take on the task of finding my mobile.

Running my hands across the inside of the couch, it's a cluster of candy wrappers and crumbs.

No phone.

I get the urge to pull my wand out and shout, **Appear appear, that's why I'm here!** But it'd just be useless. Even if I had my magic I wouldn't have my wand. Funny how it works the same if you switch the two around. I do have a mobile though.

Where the hell is my mobile?

Padding over to light switch, I flick it on, and there the mobile sits on the table across from the couch. Incredible.

I check to see if I've gotten any messages, usually if I do it's from Baz or Penny. My mouth falls open. No texts, but I did sleep through my alarm. That damn alarm. I swear it must never go off. I check the time, it is a quarter past five and Baz could be home any minute now.

I don't get off my imaginary 'shift' until six.

That's when I hear the clang of his keys at the front door.

When he comes in I pretend I'm still asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey ho, wake up dragonman." Baz says running his hand across my back. My back exactly like it was before my wings and tale sprouted out of me. I was never able to just wish them back inside me and lugging them around all day was a mess. Dr. Wellbelove was extra careful during the operation, but lord was it painful. Even now the spots where my... other parts used to be ached from time to time. Baz knew this and dodged the scars as he ran his hand up my spine.

"Come on, wake up bubsy. Or else I'll call you bubsy again for the rest of your life."

I stay still, very still. My body limp, almost lifeless.

"You really slept in." He says moving his hands up toward the top of my shoulders, but then he stops.

"Oh shit! Simon, let's get up. Now please." He's shaking me.

A tired sounding groan roars from my throat and I start to shift around, eyes still closed.

"What?" I ask sounding annoyed.

"Simon it's five-thirty."

My eyes open. "That's a lie." I say.

"I wish it were. You really didn't get any sleep did you?"

"My boss is going to have my head lopped off."

"You're probably right at this point." Baz remarks with a laugh. "Has it happened three times already?"

"Four." I say holding four fingers up.

"Goodness. Do you want me to go in with you? You think if we talked to your boss together that she'd be easier on you this time?"

I watch Baz. Nervously rubbing his forefinger across the patch of black stubble poking out of his chin. I like it when he does that.

"What are you gonna like... glamour my boss?"

Baz guffawed. "Screw you Snow. I do that by default, I mean look at me." He sits up, and pumps his chest. "No powers involved, just me, my bad self, and I."

"That may be true, and I appreciate the gesture, but I can talk to her alone. She should come through." She will. She always does. Because she isn't real. I take in a deep breath. How much longer am I going to keep doing this to him. All of the money that I've had saved from what the Mage left me behind, as much as I hate to use it, is close to running out.

I checked the account the other night on my tablet and there was less than a hundred and thirty pounds left. Not nearly enough to pay my half of the rent which is due by the end of the week.

"Everything will be fine Snow. You're always prepared for the worst, and this doesn't even compare to most of it. You've slayed multiple dragons, literally multiple dragons. Who else can say that?"

"I'm sure there are a lot of people Baz. Maybe not around here, but-"

"Snow, just stop. Stop thinking for two seconds." Baz gets on his feet and takes my hand. "Come, we are going to snuggle and it is going to be an experience you will never forget."

"Snuggle? Are these real words coming from your mouth?"

"Well I've been graced with the luck of having a pretty good day where as yours seems like it was shit possibly. Probably. I kind of also just wanted to snuggle."

I glare at him, my mouth an almost grin, even though looking at that sweet, tired face of his twists my stomach around in knots.

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to stop lying to him. Even if I were lucky enough to get a job sometime soon and told him I'd been lying. What would he think of me then? What would happen?

I don't want to know the answer to any of those questions.

"Okay." I say standing up now. I give him a weak smile.

"You look down. You sure snuggling's enough?"

"Snuggling is always enough."

As we trail to our room I feel Baz squeeze my hand. He leans his head on my shoulder and we slow down stopping by the door. He whispers into my ear, "I love you Simon Snow. I always have and I always will. You know that right?"

I want to respond and tell him I love him too, but I'd just burst into tears and ruin the rest of his night.

I squeeze his hand back and into the bedroom we go.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been awhile since I've talked to Penny face to face.

Nearly three months.

After she moved out of the flat a year ago we both spent more time apart. Not because of any big conflict between us, it just seemed to happen. She became more involved with uni, and whenever we talked she always went on about the things she was learning and the friends she was making. I was happy for her. But it also sounded like it was a lot of work. Something I've been avoiding.

With my new secret life of loafing around all day and leaving home just to give Baz the illusion I have a job - it just seemed convenient that I couldn't talk to her as much because what was there really to say?

I check my watch, it's close to noon. The time I am to meet Penny at Holly's Marmalade Cafe. I have five minutes and I haven't even left the flat.

Instead I'm in front of the mirror, obsessively ruffling my stringy blonde hair, flattening it back out, and then ruffling it all over again. I rub my hand across either side of my face, smooth and oil-less. I breathe in deeply. I am Simon Snow and I look really good right now. Things may not be perfect in my life, but when have they ever been? Right now I am going to go outside and see my best friend and it's going be bloody brilliant.

I breathe out slowly and immediately an alarm starts on. It's my mobile.

It's noon.

* * *

It's a quarter after when I arrive. Penny looks stunning. Sitting upright in a velvet red sweater at one of the circular and smooth brown lacquered tables, sipping an almond creme.

She doesn't notice me yet, but when she does she slams her drink down and folds her arms, eyes piercing straight through me.

I sit down across from her, grinding my teeth together as I stitch together a guilty smile

"I know. I suck. I'm sorry. But look I literally left ten minutes before, the flat is only five minutes away and I left early, but then I got sidetracked by this drunk bloke trying to sell me his furniture. It was never ending."

Penelope arches her eyebrows, "Interesting. But I know you were just fiddling around in the mirror trying to make every little speck of you perfect."

My mouth drops. "How?"

Penny guffaws. "Jesus Simon, I was just mudding about. You do look good though." Her voice deepens into an angry whisper. "Doesn't excuse being late and leaving me here all alone though, if it weren't for my impeccable table manners, I'd be calling you a bloody wanker flat out." She looks me over, then takes a sip of her almond creme, eyes down. The side of her bottom lip curves downward.

I think I've hurt her feelings.

"Oh Penny." I say and get up to hug her. She holds her hand up.

"No Snow, only I initiate hugs."

"Oh yeah. Right." I step back to sit, but then she comes up and wraps her arms tightly around me.

"You're lucky I'm even doing this at all." She says into my ear. "I've really missed you, you friggin... wanker."

"I've missed you too." I say hugging her back.

After a bout of catching up I order a banana creme with extra milk and Penny orders a sour apple cake with caramel ice cream on top. "You're paying for this one." She says.

I nod, "Of course."

Now that they've arrived and the waiter has left she's telling me what it's like living in a flat with Lola, a fellow student, and new friend that she met at uni who apparently knows a lot about spells.

"I swear to god it's all that time she spends on the computer. It's like all you have to do is be a hipster to write spells. But she's not hipster, she's actually cool. You and Baz would like her."

"Oh yeah?" I say. Lola is an interesting name. Definitely cool.

"Yeah she's been helping me with something. Not just me though."

"What do you mean?"

"What? Nothing. Whatever." Penny laughs uncomfortably, then takes a bite of her Sour Apple Cake.

"Nothing. Whatever." I say back.

"Yes, nothing. What about you? How are you and Baz?"

I take a deep breathe. The air is crisp and refreshing. I watch as the colorful autumn leaves of the trees lining the walk behind us glide to and fro against the wind. How are you and Baz?

I don't know. I wanna say it out loud, but instead I put on a smile, eyes gleaming at her.

"It's wonderful. We're doing so good. We both miss you though. It's been weird you not being around all the time. But we make a go of it. Last night we cuddled."

Penelope gives me the side eye. "Oo you cuddled. Nice."

I laugh and think about it for real. Feeling the warmth of Baz against me last night, he's been good about feeding himself. I swear it's that butcher shop we live right next to, but it's not something he likes to talk about.

I think about what it was like when he fell asleep before I did, arms around me.

I was wide awake but didn't dare move. I couldn't wake him up on top of everything else. So I just lie there, still. Body aching from the prolonged stiffness of it all, mind going in circles of guilt and shame and resentment.

I look back at Penny. She's lost in thought too, her face serious, not at me, not at anyone, just serious.

"Penny whats going on? You seem stressed and it kind of feels like you've been wanting to tell me something."

Penelope inhales.

"I just don't want to worry you."

"You won't. I can take anything. I'm Simon Snow remember."

She laughs. "I remember how arrogant you were. But no, for real. It's bad. It's the reason we don't see each other as much anymore."

"Oh." I say.

"Simon, Watford is in danger. Again."

"So?"

"So? So? What the f_ Simon? My Mom runs the place remember? She's in danger. We all are!"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm quitting out of uni. Lola and I are going back to Watford. I never thought I would, but they need all the help they can get. I've been holding off telling you because it's not going to be safe. This might be the last time you see me."

"You can't be for real."

"I am very for real right now Simon."

"I wanna help." I say and take one last sip of my Banana Creme. "Let me help."

Penny's eyes gloss over and start to redden. She must think I'm worthless. But I should be able fix it. I'm Simon Snow.

Before we can argue a loud booming cluster of sound explodes into my eardrums. It rings and rings. My chest tight as though two people are playing tug of war with the giant knot moving inside of me. Penny doesn't seem to notice, nor does anyone else outside the cafe.

I blink and -

A raspy low voice utters, _Worthless_

Everything goes black.


	4. Chapter 4

TRIGGER WARNING: The opening of this chapter may be a little disturbing and triggering so if you're a sensitive reader you can skip to the scene after it. You'll know it's the next scene because it's right after a cut through like the one below this message.

* * *

It's late at night. The bedroom is almost completely immersed in blackness save for the light peaking out from the cracked bathroom door just across the right side of our bed, where Baz usually sleeps. From the bathroom I hear something heavy and wet plop down onto the linoleum and then a funny sounding laugh.

"Baz?" I call.

The laughter dies down and that's when I hear an odd clipping noise. Like clipping through something thick and rubbery. Another wet plop.

I creep out of bed slowly just wearing my briefs. As I pad towards the bathroom a voice finally calls back out, panicked and shrill. "Don't come in! Just give me a second okay!"

I spring out of bed.

I'm at the door when I bend my head towards where it lies cracked open. I see the naked backside of a skinny young man with deathly pale skin, an inky green liquid running down it. I walk inside. Quickly he turns around and I see him, his face, his body.

He's me.

"Why did you do this to me Simon?" He says.

I look down and notice his hands clutching a pair of garden shears, green trickling down each of the blades like a toxic syrup.

His voice is screeching now. "How could you let this happen!"

He stands up and walks toward me with vengeful red eyes clutching the garden shears tighter.

I try to move but I can't. He slams the bathroom door wide open, letting it bang hard against the linen closet. Then as I stand there unable to move he grabs me by the neck and -

Thrusting forward in bed, I yell, "No!"

Sweaty and panting I look around and see that it's morning and Baz is in bed next me still asleep, snoring loudly.

I take in a deep breath.

It was a nightmare. Good, though my shoulder and tail bone are aching horribly. I slide my hand across my shoulder then quickly retract it, the spots where my wings were are sensitive and raw. When I walk into the bathroom and look at them in the mirror the scars are pink and swollen.

* * *

I'm making bacon and toast when Baz walks out of the bedroom rubbing at his eyes. It's a Sunday and neither of us are working.

"Not only is he up before me but he's making bacon too?" Baz says sounding surprised, his voice raspy from sleep. He walks over to me and kisses me on the neck. I shudder from his warmth and then his lips move up and he kisses both my eyelids. I open my eyes when he pulls back and peer into his sweet sleepy face and kiss him right on the mouth.

"There's blood in the fridge. I went to the butcher this morning. S'also where I got the bacon. Never had it fresh before." I tell him.

"I am floored." Baz says and opens the refrigerator taking out a plastic Tupperware container almost pink from the dark red liquid within.

"I can put some on the stove, low heat right?"

"Uh yeah..." Baz looks at me like I'm someone else. "What's gotten into you?"

"I've just felt bad. You're so good to me. But also..." I want to tell him everything. The lying about the job, how I've been feeling, the nightmare I had last night. Then I remember lunch with Penny. Oh my god lunch with Penny.

"What is it Snow?"

"I just remembered something. Did you talk with Penny yesterday?"

"She left a note, said you passed out. Had to teleport you back to the flat. When I got home you were on the couch."

"I didn't wake up on the couch."

"That's because I carried you back to our room."

I look back at him and smile. He smiles back.

"You know Penny said things at Watford have gone awry. I was hoping you two would've talked because she never got to tell me why. I was also hoping we could help."

Baz's eyebrows arch together. "You're joking."

"Wish I was. We have to get a hold of her. I know not having my magic makes things difficult, but I can still help. She's always been there for me. It's time I return the favor, you know?"

I flip the bacon and hear Baz mumble.

"We'll call her later today, but for now I think it's better we take it easy. I'd like to help with breakfast too."

"No you go sit. You always make breakfast." I give him a kiss on the cheek and then he takes my arms, placing them on his waste, and pulls his own around me tightly. I drop the spatula and hold him back even tighter. My darkness. My warmth. My love.

"We're gonna be alright Snow."

And in that moment I feel like everything's going to be okay.

* * *

Hi everybody, Imnotazombie here. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the kind words about the story! So... this could be the last chapter I write. I've really loved putting myself in the shoes of these characters and this world, but it's also been a lot of pressure which I'm not used to. I may continue this story sometime down the line or even very soon, but I also may not and I just wanted to make that clear so none of you were left hanging.

It's been a wonderful ride, thank you so much for tagging along!


End file.
